How NOT to Ski Like a Pro

There’s no question that among the many resorts and beautiful skiing locations in the Three Valleys area, one that stands out is definitely Les Menuires. Ski enthusiasts from all over the world flock to the slopes in order to experience the different areas surrounding the resort. Les Menuires caters for all levels of skiing ability – even the absolute beginner, as unlikely as it may seem with all the other skiers whizzing past! So, for the absolute novice, just how will those first few awkward days of skiing go as you take your first tentative forays on to the pistes? Below is a tongue-in-cheek version of how a new skier’s progress might evolve; but remember, it is always much better to invest in some proper tuition when you begin skiing, and you’ll be conquering the mountains in no time – and not like this!

Day 1

You might master the trick of leaning back at all times while you’re skiing and you also might find yourself flailing your arms in backward circles. If you can manage to shout ‘Aaaargh!” while making this movement – it appears to help your technique. After a few hours of trying to get a handle on the complexities of skiing downhill, you may find it’s best to keep your weight on the uphill ski. After all, it’s better to fall up the mountain than down the mountain and it also allows you to get to a sitting position a little easier. After a few hours of up and down, mainly on your behind, the Les Menuires ski slopes will be beginning to feel very familiar.

Day 2

Today, you may just be discovering that the best way down a slope is to do long, hesitant traverses across the piste until you either find yourself skiing without being able to turn, or possibly find yourself up to your eyes in snow. Les Menuires ski experts may step in with helpful advice: to turn, you may have to take off your skis, point them in the next direction, and then step into them again! Bending the knees may be a bit of a problem at this stage – as well as keeping your eyes on the ends of your skis!

Day 3

As you are now far, far too tired to remove your skis at each turn, you may just be ready for some rudimentary turning theory. You may find one method for turning is to fling your shoulders in the desired direction, while jumping up in the air like a kangaroo on skis. You’ll be turning erratically and without warning; this is in fact the approach many Les Menuires ski enthusiasts take to signal their intentions to snowboarders – apparently!

Day 4

Today is the day to finally conquer the chairlift after the first few days of blind luck and good fortune! When getting off a chairlift, remember to plant your ski pole in between the feet of the person next to you. If anyone is going to impale their private parts on a ski pole, let it be your neighbour. Aside from this use, poles appear to be purely for decorative purposes. As you explore Les Menuires, ski loss is also a great game to play. Have a go at losing one or even both skis as you use the chairlift. It makes for unbridled comedy moments for everyone else, and although dismounting the chairlift ‘sans’ one or both skis may seem tricky (shouting and yelling is optional), it’ll be easily mastered by your fifth or sixth attempt.